2020 New Voice Award
Rani Balakrishna
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The Intersection of My Two Worlds
by Rani Balakrishna
Two entirely different worlds separated by a single hyphen, a hyphen that functions like a switch to turn off my "Indianness" and turn on my "Americanness" for each appropriate situation.
It's a name I am not hesitant to claim now, but I used to find it difficult to explain.
For years I struggled to explain my heritage to friends from school. When my race crossed paths with my school friends and they would attend my dance performances or come to my house I felt the need to explain myself and say "that's not me, that's...."
But it was me. I could never finish that thought. I twisted myself into thinking that everything had to stay within its separate category and my "Indian" side could not clash with my "American" side.
My school friends call me Rani and my family and family friends call me Rani. So why did they feel different?
To a younger me, it seemed like there was a chasm between the two parts of my identity. I so badly wanted to be accepted in all walks of my life that this conflict inside of me grew (gradually). One day, I decided to step out of my comfort zone. That day was the day I started to take an Indian History and Literature class at my high school last September. While it certainly wasn't easy being the only Indian in the class, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. In class, it meant sharing personal experiences about being Indian and also learning so much Indian History from my non-Indian teacher that I started to think that fusing my two "cultures" (so to speak) was possible. Having discussions with my American classmates about India made both my heritage and nationality tie together in a way I had never thought of before.
After having taken the class, I learned that the dash doesn't mean either/or. It means that I am Indian and American. Born to two Indian parents at Brigham and Women's Hospital in the heart of Boston, I grew up wildly cheering on the Red Sox and happily singing prayers at Diwali parties.
To me, the question that is at the forefront of the college application process - "Who are you?" - comes to me very easily but the crossover between my race and nationality has always been a blurred line. However, now when I check the "Asian" box on forms and on the ACT I am much more confident in my decision to add American at the end too.
As a multifaceted teenager who is constantly growing and learning in all parts of my life, the mind-blowing (for me) concept of combining both of my worlds is not the only battle I have had with my identity. Being a second generation Indian-American, I never want to feel "too brown" or become whitewashed. I try to maintain a delicate balance and never give in to a fear I have of "betraying"my roots and forgetting where I come from.
I have so many names that are all intertwined together - Rani Dhanda Balikrishna - Rani- Indian-American athlete - student - aspiring- journalist-leader-dog lover- sister- daughter- grand-daughter - niece, and many more.
My mistake when I was younger was trying to separate all of the different parts of my identity and put a barrier between them.
Now I know that I don't have just one name or identifier. I include all of those hyphens, because what makes me unique is everything, and I will always cherish every part of me.
_________________________________
It's a name I am not hesitant to claim now, but I used to find it difficult to explain.
For years I struggled to explain my heritage to friends from school. When my race crossed paths with my school friends and they would attend my dance performances or come to my house I felt the need to explain myself and say "that's not me, that's...."
But it was me. I could never finish that thought. I twisted myself into thinking that everything had to stay within its separate category and my "Indian" side could not clash with my "American" side.
My school friends call me Rani and my family and family friends call me Rani. So why did they feel different?
To a younger me, it seemed like there was a chasm between the two parts of my identity. I so badly wanted to be accepted in all walks of my life that this conflict inside of me grew (gradually). One day, I decided to step out of my comfort zone. That day was the day I started to take an Indian History and Literature class at my high school last September. While it certainly wasn't easy being the only Indian in the class, it was one of the best decisions I ever made. In class, it meant sharing personal experiences about being Indian and also learning so much Indian History from my non-Indian teacher that I started to think that fusing my two "cultures" (so to speak) was possible. Having discussions with my American classmates about India made both my heritage and nationality tie together in a way I had never thought of before.
After having taken the class, I learned that the dash doesn't mean either/or. It means that I am Indian and American. Born to two Indian parents at Brigham and Women's Hospital in the heart of Boston, I grew up wildly cheering on the Red Sox and happily singing prayers at Diwali parties.
To me, the question that is at the forefront of the college application process - "Who are you?" - comes to me very easily but the crossover between my race and nationality has always been a blurred line. However, now when I check the "Asian" box on forms and on the ACT I am much more confident in my decision to add American at the end too.
As a multifaceted teenager who is constantly growing and learning in all parts of my life, the mind-blowing (for me) concept of combining both of my worlds is not the only battle I have had with my identity. Being a second generation Indian-American, I never want to feel "too brown" or become whitewashed. I try to maintain a delicate balance and never give in to a fear I have of "betraying"my roots and forgetting where I come from.
I have so many names that are all intertwined together - Rani Dhanda Balikrishna - Rani- Indian-American athlete - student - aspiring- journalist-leader-dog lover- sister- daughter- grand-daughter - niece, and many more.
My mistake when I was younger was trying to separate all of the different parts of my identity and put a barrier between them.
Now I know that I don't have just one name or identifier. I include all of those hyphens, because what makes me unique is everything, and I will always cherish every part of me.
_________________________________
